sachremsachrem

Main News Favorites Reviews Stats
Add to Favorites

Contact Info / Websites

Entry #1

Peek at my upcoming book.

3/22/09 by sachrem
Updated 3/22/09

Hi, this is fragment from fantasy book i wanna writte.Heres quick overview;
Strange, mystical world... is facing Apocalypse.Group of daring adventurers travels to distant land in order to prevent the doomsday.There they will meet their worst nightmares, discover ancient secrets and find out the ultimate truth.

This wont be just another fantasy adventure.Ill try hard to create interesting characters, mysteries, headblowing plot twists and philosophy to make u think about.

Here it goes;

The great forest stood unusually silent,so silent that anyone passing through would think that it is completely abondoned, if it wasn't for those red macaws flapping wings as they flew to to middle of forest, where they had nests built upon an ancient observatory.This mighty building lied there for centuries, untaken by jungle and wild animals(except, macaws),despite the fact that it was built far away from civilization and now is only inhabited by an old astronome named Acama.
Today things were bit different and birds, when looking inside inside, could see 5 odd-looking men- dressed in strange outlander fashion,with brown&blonde hair and light skin.In middle of room Acama was sitting next to large stone table and chatting with one of visiors-man around his wielding light steel plate armour.

So tell me,Haakon,how did your clan managed to cross the Great Sea,Acama questioned, i thought that Nebula has whole sea under control.
We found a weak spot,Haakon answered , but it was very dangerous.Sea monsters have become more agressive in past years.Our dragonship barely made it till shores of Ohonte village.Anyway, can i have more of that chocolate.
Of course,i'll be right back.
And for my mates too.

Both elders stood up and as Acama went down the staircase Haakon turned his attention to rest of he group.They all including Haakon himself were dressed in black,grey or white linen cloth and weapons by their side.
Sigrun-blonde haired, wearing additionaly a bronze bracelet and steel longsword.
Dag-brutish looking man with blonde hair like Sigrun.His weapon was war axe, large enough to cut bison in half.
Cormac-black haired and much shorter than other travellers.
Hurakan-most different in group as he was wearing cape and hood made from fur.He seemed to be pretty tall even when comparing to his mates, who were considered giants by any kalamian hey met on the way.

What did that old man told you,Sigrun asked him.
Capital of K'alam is several hundred miles away from his observatory.Nebula does not reach in region, so we shouldn't worry about it.Closest human inhabited place is Stronghold of Aterro.
Stronghold of Aterro?
Acama told me it's one of mightiest fortresses in empire, currenly used to keep an eye on Nebula.If we get there , they should provide us wih shelter, food and information about Nebula's expansion in K'alam.Possibly,they will transport us to Capital.
So let's get movin',Dag took his battleaxe, ready to go to the world's end.
Don't rush things, Dag.Forests here are not like ones in FrozelandThey're full of predators, venomous snakes and deadly traps.Also, tomorrow Eagle runner will arrive here with supplies for Acama.He can guide us there.
Anything else?
No.Better prepare for night , it's geting late.

Meantime, Acama had already returned with hot chocolate.As travellers were enjoying the sweet goodness, Haakon turned to Hurakan, who was in process of examining the stone carvings on the wall.These carvings were crafted all over the room starting from floor and covering even ceiling.
Chocolate?
No thanks.Don't wanna anything right now.How do you like these carvings?
Amazing work.Acama told me about this place.He said it was built 13 000 years ago and have survived numerous wars, tornadoes and quakes since then.Those wall carvings were made by people who owned this observatory and reflects whole hisory of K'alam.Acama is last one to own it and as he has no succesors it will most likely go down.
Man, i feel tired,Cormac interrupted them, that eagle runer guy will arrive early, so we better go to sleep.
Right ,Haakon agreed, take out your sleeping beds.

After several minutes lights were out and frozelandians were sleping very tightly.Only Hurakan was still awake.He was thinking about things they left in Frozeland, about what future holds and about Nebula...

Nebula-mysterious fog, that appeared as a black holes in the Sea, that pulls in any ship who got close enough.Then one day these holes started to expand till became mist Nebula .Noone knows why and whatever it is.Soon whole Sea was devoured and Nebula moved on land.Everything-animals, people , buildings felt victims for it's hunger.Whole cities disappeared inside Nebula.It was unstoppable, even mightiest mystics couldn't do anything.Everyone thought it's the end.But one day Nebula stopped to expand, becoming a black&red cloud ,that now covered half of the world.It was like a moment of relaxation, but then They came out...


Comments

You must be logged in to comment on this post.


Doomhammr Doomhammr

5/15/09

I'm writing a science fiction book myself so having found you in the literature lovers group, I figured I'll offer you some feedback. I really want to see this improved:

1st paragraph:
-Opening a fantasy with nature descriptions is too overdone.
-Never use an ampersand (&) unless it's part of a proper noun and even then it's not recommended.
-Though some (like Tolkein) may break this rule, try not to use parentheses. Use a double dash (--) to separate a parenthetical
-Commas have one space after after them. Also, you have a few unnecessary commas in the whole piece.
-You didn't need dashes to describe the odd looking men part.
-You need a space after periods.
-Check your tense in narrative. You were mostly past tense for the whole piece, but switched to present here and there.

2nd paragraph:
-You need quotations when people are talking. It's improper to not use them and when two people are conversing without movement tags, it's impossible to tell who is who.
-"I" needs to be capitalized. Your spell check should have caught this. If your word processor doesn't do live spell checking, get Open Office from www.openoffice.org. It's better than Word Perfect, MS Word, and MS Works and is completely free (legally)
-Unless your character is speaking broken English, you need to improve your grammar all around in the dialog.

Third paragraph:
-Even though it's acceptable to not use a comma before the final item in a list in casual writing, it is required in publication.
-English is also broken. The dashes should be doubled when describing the party members.

Rest of piece:
-You really need to study up on your English. No offense, but it's to the point where I would assume that English may not be your first language. I was an A/B student in high school English and even I had to go back and brush up on my grammar when I started my novel. I highly recommend you do what I did and get a middle school or high school grammar book and study the hell out of it. I personally recommend Writer's Inc http://www.amazon.com/Writers-Inc-Stu dent-Handbook-Learning/dp/066952994X/
ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qi d=1242380501&sr=1-1

Keep at it, and you'll get better.